a public blog?

i haven't had one of these since the old livejournal days back when i was 16. i still have a private one that only about 3 people can read, but i like to ramble and i figure i could have one where i keep it politically correct and don't get myself fired and whatnot.

so let's see.

bitty nibbles = bailey and olivia. i'll post a lot of updates about my girls on here.

i was reminiscing earlier about what's brought us to this point, my life with charlie. i couldn't function without him. then all the good stuff started around christmas 2008. our christmas eve ultrasound, seeing that little 6 week heartbeat that turned into our olivia michelle. getting married on valentine's day, and that awesome day in august when we got to meet her. the craziness of how sick she was for months with gerd until we got her medication under control. all she did was scream until she was 4 months old.

then we enjoyed her. always wanting another one, it never really happening. my issues that i have with the woman parts and my ovarian cysts. then a nice surprise in summer 2011: we were expecting another one! finally. we felt so lucky, on cloud 9, just waiting until a little later to tell people. my 26th birthday felt surreal, and then that night i miscarried. and it was downhill after that. i had been working towards applying for the nursing program at that point, and that kind of kept me occupied. i still had some entrance exams to take. that helped keep my focus.

i got accepted, started preparing for that. in january 2012 i started. and then a little after our anniversary in february: pregnant again! definitely terrified to even breathe a word about it. even after our initial ultrasounds i had problems. subchorionic hematoma and placenta previa had me on bedrest pretty early. 4 ultrasounds by the time i was about 12 weeks along. then things started to improve. we found out early that it was another girl, and we all ready had the name picked out.

i decided later on to step down as a lead therapist and go to nightshift. we needed the money and flexibility with our schedule. so i went to the dark side after 7 years. a little bit of a culture shock, but i don't sleep much anyways. 4-5 hours at a time and i'm all right with a short nap.

i did a summer class, things were moving along. i just had a feeling that i needed to take a break from school in the fall. granted, i knew i was due in the middle of the term, but something else was nagging me.

it was a bad few months. charlie's mom getting unexpectedly ill and needing surgery. my mom got hurt at work and was going to need surgery. my dad got hurt his back and ended up barely able to function for months. and then losing my grammy. i remember sitting in bailey's room sorting clothes one night, the look on charlie's face when he told me that my mom told him grammy really wasn't doing well. my mom had been trying to shield me from it, but there was no denying it. within a week she was gone, and i never imagined how hard it would be to say goodbye to her. i never thought she wouldn't make it to meet bailey.

the last few weeks of my pregnancy were a nightmare, ending on 10/19, a little before my 10/30 due date. 3 trips to triage, walking around at 6cm dilated. all coming to a head on 10/18 when my water broke and i drove myself to the hospital. my mom had knee surgery that day, but still came to be with charlie and i. bailey was born within 2 hours to a chaotic birth without meds that i needed or an epidural. then it just spiraled after that: ended up being in the nicu for a week with pneumonia.

then i finally thought, hey, we have our girl at home! olivia had been so upset about not being able to meet her sister. we hadn't stayed at home for an entire week, took turns entertaining o in the hospital so we could be there with bailey as much as possible.

things seemed to be going well, but there was something we couldn't put our fingers on. 12 years of combined respiratory experience between the two of us, and we didn't know why her breathing looked so labored, why we could barely hear breath sounds. pneumonia still clearing up? even after another trip to the pediatrician and an x-ray i couldn't figure it out. then she woke up at 3am and gasped, when i turned on the light she was purple and barely breathing, and after a breathing treatment at home we rushed her to the hospital.

congenital lobar emphysema, 1 in 30,000. thank God it was confined to one lobe so it could be treated. within 3 days she went from being normal to needing emergency surgery. so we packed up our other daughter & my mom and went to st. pete where our littlest girl was air lifted. we stayed at the ronald mcdonald house, or should i say my mom and olivia did. charlie and i stayed with bailey about 20 hours a day. she had her surgery the day after we got there, and i have never been so terrified in my life. to say goodbye to your 3 week old, with how sick she was- i still don't know how we did it.

but she was so strong. there's so much more to say about it all, but not tonight. through it all, we had friends come out of the woodwork with generosity and love and prayers that we will never forget. i've never cried so much in my life between the stress and thankfulness. it totally changes your perspective on everything, and it really has. i'm on a new level with God after all of this, i truly believe that he was in the operating room that day taking care of our girl. along with Grammy. we met some amazing doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, cna's, housekeeping personnel, x-ray techs, cafeteria workers- just amazing people that all contributed to great care at the hospitals we were at.

it's been a whirlwind since we got home. it took bailey a lot longer to settle in than it did after the nicu stay. she was more stressed out, and i think we were too. she was very sensitive as far as being held, routines, napping. only now at 8 weeks old can she nap alone. still at night we hold her in the recliner most of the time. the transition to normal infant routines is slow with her, but she's coming along with it. we've had a lot of followup appointments, with pulmonary, her regular pedi and the surgeon. everything's looking great thank God.

kids are so different. she's way easier than olivia was, all things considered. she eats better, naps better during the day, likes the swing, likes the car, likes to be swaddled, and will tolerate other people besides me holding her- all totally different than olivia. olivia used the swing a total of once. Once. and every car trip was a screamfest. and forget about trying to swaddler her. blue eyes on the other hand is totally different.

so here we are, december 2012. yesterday would have been grammy's 85th birthday. last year i brought her an iced tea and a jelly donut, this year i made cookies and glanced at her urn about 100 times. i told olivia that today was grammy pat's birthday, and she looked at me and said "yeah, but she's in heaven now with Jesus." not your typical 3 year old.

we have a lot to be thankful for this christmas, i've never been through so much and never felt so blessed.

so here's to getting back to living life and not just feeling like we're surviving it. today we're working back towards getting healthy again. i only gained 10 lbs while i was pregnant with bailey boo, but i've put on some since i had her with all this stress. time to get healthy for my girls so i can set a good example.

we're working towards going to disney in february: we've only taken one vacation ever together, i think we and especially olivia deserve it. that kid's been through a lot in the past few months and deserves some princess time. it can double as our 4th anniversary gift also. so that's 10 weeks away, maybe i can shave off 20 lbs by then? 15? we'll see, it's worth a shot. i've done it before and i can do it again. and my partner in crime is ready also. charlie loses weight so much faster than i can, but i am nursing so i do get a few extra points. weight watchers is the only thing that keeps me accountable, so i'm back on the bandwagon. the elliptical awaits, and i have a new little one to push around in the stroller. and the weather is nice out now so it won't be so bad!

what else.. i go back to work on new year's eve. i'm dreading leaving my girls, but also somewhat glad to get back to some normalcy. life goes on. i kinda miss the place :) definitely the people. i'm making an effort to go to church, i owe it to the Man. standing there with bailey during service last week, i couldn't help but tear up. i'm so lucky to have her here.

and now it's really time to go to bed. the 3 hours between feedings comes so fast, and i can hear her fidgeting all ready. tomorrow is a new day, well, today technically. it's 1am. i rearranged songs and updated my ipod and made a lovely new playlist called "fatty mcfat" for workouts. oh how i hate to exercise, but this weight isn't going to just fall off on its own.